How to Burn Bacon

What else needs to be said? A man is simple. He wakes up, and contemplates how much colder life is outside his blankets. He runs through his schedule while lying there: piss, workout, shower, eat breakfast, read paper, check e-mail, travel to work. He then runs through his schedule in his sleep, for approximately 3-4 1/2 minutes, actually believing that he's getting an early start by showering and preparing what would seem an impossibly delicious breakfast.

Well he's right, having pizza in Japan is impossible. Having day-old pizza in Japan is also impossible; there are simply never any leftovers.

Once he does wakeup, any thoughts about doing those pushups, situps, and stretches doesn't even make it out the window, it simply lingers there in the "things I'll think that I should have done in the morning, later-in-the-day" depository. Instead, I pull up my google homepage. Lookey here! The "Bodyrocktv.com" exercise of the day! Who is this smiling blonde in tight spandex? She makes the "Call on Me Video" seem like a sing-along from Sesame Street.

It's hot where she is, but then again it doesn't matter where she is for it to be hot. She has her timer clipped to her chest, making you wish you know how to keep time when she was that near so you could be--that--timer. You envy the camera man, who always seems to know the main principles of foreplay and desire; every camera turn, fadeout and focus are personal punches.

And then you realize you burnt your bacon. Opening your wee oven-toaster (since real oven's are simply not in apt supply here ), you blow out the fire to reveal the charred remain of what could have been a decent follow-up to what you already feel like after watching that video: fatty bacon. So, pouring some unpronouncable cereal into a bowl with some milk, you finish typing the only thing you could think about writing this early in the morning: how much you wish there were a gym within 50 miles of this village.